Evangelion: PostApocalypse
by ficlord
Summary: A post-End of Evangelion fic that ISN'T a Shinji/Asuka romance. Includes philosophy, psychology, & weirdness - while maintaining narrative coherence - this is an extended conclusion to the movie & series. M for language, adult themes - NO lime/lemon.
1. Part 1

(I do not own _Neon Genesis Evangelion, End of Evangelion, _or the audio commentaries of said media.)

* * *

Νηον Γενεσις Ευαγγηλιον:

Post-Apocalypse

**Part I**

As he rested his weak and trembling limbs, Shinji saw a woman on the beach with him. Asuka. Though maybe there was something a little different about her – he wasn't sure what. She had bandages – the same kind of bandages Rei had worn. Shinji thought he saw Rei in the sea of LCL, but in a flash she was gone.

Asuka. He and she were alone. Of all the people who could have – or would have – returned to life with him – why Asuka? Was she the one person he wanted to see again more than anyone else? Maybe, but probably not. Who knew _why _she was there with him, or why he was there, or why there was anyone left at all – he only knew that he was on this surreal, post-apocalyptic beach with Asuka. There were many things he would have liked to do to Asuka, and he wasn't sure which was at the top of his list.

He picked one.

Slowly and deliberately, Shinji moved over to Asuka and wrapped his hands around her neck. He was going to squeeze that bitch's life out. He was going to continue where they had left off, in the moments where all the souls in the world were being fused into one. Whether the Asuka Shinji had experienced then was really Asuka as she was to herself, or an Asuka from his own mind – or maybe an Asuka from someone else's mind? Or perhaps the Asuka he hated was an Asuka created by the collective minds of everyone as a step in the process of breaking the barrier of his soul so he could fuse with Lillith. Shinji didn't know, and was too exhausted to consider, much less care, which Asuka was which. Any Asuka would do.

A hand went to his cheek. Asuka was touching him, but not like a slap, or a return attempt to choke him. She was gentle. Why was Asuka showing him affection when he was trying to kill her? Or had Shinji only really wanted to hurt her a little? Scare her? He was choking Asuka, and he didn't know why anymore. Tears fell on Asuka's face.

Shinji fell off of her, sobbing.

"I feel sick," she said.

So that's how it was. Shinji disgusted Asuka, and now he wanted to hurt her again for thinking so. But what was he going to do? Crawl back on top of her and choke her again? All she would have to do was pout and Shinji would probably start babbling apologies and turn the choke into a hug. A lone thought drawled through his mind: _I really _am_ pathetic._

Then again, crawling on top of Asuka didn't sound entirely displeasing.

Asuka pulled her arm back, lifted her shoulder to tuck her elbow beneath her, and slowly pushed herself up. Shinji decided it would be better to sulk somewhere away from her, so he stood and looked around for somewhere to slink away. Asuka sat up, pulled her knees to her chest, and sighed at the surreal sea.

* * *

Νηον Γενεσις Ευαγγηλιον

* * *

"Asuka," Shinji said, "Your eye looks… brown."

She blinked and looked at her arm. "Who am I? Am I Asuka? These bandages –" She touched her eye-bandage. "They're Rei's bandages, but they're Asuka's wounds." Her hand dropped and she sighed in lament: "My sense of self has melted."

"Perhaps it will re-solidify."

"As though I were ice in a lake! Who knows if, when I'm done refreezing, all the water will be from the original chunk of ice?" She looked at Shinji. "I have memories. Memories of me outside myself. Other people's memories. I feel as though I'm not me." Her eyes narrowed and she leaned back on her good arm. The waves of the un-living sea wheezed as she sat, sifting through a confused and patchwork consciousness. Shinji worried for her quietly. After a moment she said, "Then again, I'm still _a_ me. If I'm a me, then I must be somebody, even if I'm not – no, I am. I _am_ Asuka." She sat up. "Asuka Langley Sohryu." She slouched. "…I think."

"Do you know whose memories you have?"

"I'm not completely certain. It's not like the memories are labeled, or anything. Sometimes I remember being alone in my room, but one that couldn't have been Asuka's room – it's a dumpy apartment, and all I have are a bunch of bloodied bandages, a beaker of water, broken glasses, and a drawer full of plain underwear."

"That sounds like a memory from Rei."

"And then I remember some other things," Asuka said. "I remember briefing myself on the angels, getting drunk with Ritsuko and Kaji – how disgusting to be part-Misato! Ekh! At least I have no memories of sex with Kaji. As fun as it would be to recollect, I'd rather I was still a virgin. Or at least, I'd prefer to be a virgin who has no memories of other people having sex, which would be fucked up." She rubbed her forehead. "Mein Gott, I hope I don't inherit somebody else's emotional issues."

Shinji wondered if she had any of his memories. He hoped not.

"I can't stand this place anymore," Asuka said. "Über-Rei is staring at me."

"Über-Rei?"

"_Ja_," she said, waving her knuckles at the divided corpse of Lillith.

"Oh."

Asuka stood up slowly into an erect and balanced position; she didn't appear to have any lower-body injuries. Shinji realized there was something mysterious about Asuka's bandaging. Shinji asked, "Do you think there is someone else here? Do you know where your bandages came from?"

"No," Asuka said.

Shinji didn't know if she was answering both questions or only one of them. He decided not to bother her for clarification. He said, "Maybe we should go see if anyone else survived."

Asuka didn't reply, but followed Shinji as he began to walk down the beach. He was glad she decided to come with him. There were too many reasons for her not to, but he still wanted her company. They could have been the only ones for hundreds or thousands of miles – or the only ones left in the world. To be lost with no one else, perhaps forever, was an unbearably frightening possibility he'd rather not risk.

They traveled for hours, and the scenery didn't seem to change. The landscape was a barren wasteland; except for the white sand, the land was coated red as though dyed in blood. The sea was nothing but lifeless LCL. There were no seaweed or jellyfish washed ashore – not even dead fish. There were no shells, no obvious signs that life had once existed. They had been reincarnated to a new world entirely.

They walked for hours without seeing anything new. For most of this time they were silent. Shinji was still surprised Asuka was willing to walk with him after what he'd done. Shinji asked her if she felt any better.

"Not really," Asuka said. "Looks like the whole world's dead."

They eventually found a small shed; the walls and roof seemed to be made from sheets of corrugated metal. This shed stood next to a short precipice, which must have shielded the building from the more violent activity of Third Impact. Opening the door, they saw that not everything organic had been assimilated – the structure supporting the shed was made of wood, and some of the equipment was also made of wood – the shafts of spades and rakes, fishing poles, and the shelves. They also found a pile of old, dirty blankets folded in a corner.

"I guess we have shelter," Asuka said. "But don't think I'm letting you sleep next to me after you tried to choke me."

"I'm sorry about that. I _was_ a bit emotional, you know. I didn't know what I was doing."

"So you really _did_ choke me?" Asuka shoved a holey, discolored sheet at Shinji, probably the most pathetic and least insulating of the three blankets. "You can stay outside," she huffed, and pushed him out the door of the shed.

The door slammed shut. Shinji didn't complain.

* * *

Νηον Γενεσις Ευαγγηλιον

* * *

Shinji used the sheet for a pillow and lay down without any covering. The night was warm enough it didn't matter. The greatest obstacle to sleep was the hardness of the dirt and the wind. Shinji could never remember so much wind without a storm. He sheltered his face with his sheet-pillow.

The sun rose and the wind calmed. Around noon he heard the shed door open. Shinji decided that, even though his sleep had been pitiful, he was not likely to get much sleep for a while.

"_Verdamnt_," Asuka said. "No shower, no breakfast, nothing to brush my teeth with – _verdamnt!"_

"We could probably try going inland."

"Is there any good reason why we'd find anyone there?" Asuka asked. "People settle near bodies of water."

"I suppose…." Shinji was glad she didn't question walking with him. She seemed to have already let go of what happened immediately after Third Impact. Maybe. It was also probable she was selectively forgetting it for the moment.

A few hours of walking later, they began to see what might have been the remains of buildings – flattened masses of splintered wood and crushed metal. It was a wonder that the shed had survived. And then they came in full view of a valley that might have been Tokyo-3 – a forest of large, hollow metal structures.

"We might be the only people left," he said.

"And so what if we are?"

"Well, then, we need to stick together," Shinji replied. "Humans need each other to survive. Don't you think it would get lonely? And I mean, if it's just the two of us left, then chances are, like, we're _supposed _to be together."

"Why?" Asuka asked.

"Well, you know… to repopulate the human race."

"_Us?_"

"Not suggesting you'd _want _to, but –"

"I don't _wanna_ have kids. I've _never_ wanted kids. Least of all with _you_."

"Well… if we're the only people left, that leaves us with a responsibility to the future of the human race, don't you think?"

"A _responsibility_? I wouldn't do it with you even if you were the last man alive, and since you are, it should be clear I'm not bluffing. _Fuck_ responsibility to the human race – the human race is _dead._ There are no more people, Shinji. What does it matter if we have kids? Who will our kids have kids with? They'll have to resort to incest, and _then_ what will the human race become? Don't try pulling that 'responsibility' crap on me. We have a responsibility to _not _have kids, so we don't force anyone else into a life of depravity and misery. If anything, we have a responsibility to give the human race the coup de gras. Heck, with just the two of us left, we'll probably go insane and kill each other, anyhow. In fact, the best thing we can do is kill each other _now _and save ourselves the pain of going stir crazy _later_."

"That's –"

"Realistic, Shinji. Just think – the biggest favor the last members of the human race could do for each other is kill each other. Must be some irony in that, don't you think?"

"But, that's not why I…."

"Why you what?"

"I would never have come back if I thought it would be like this."

"What? _I _sure as heck didn't choose this, and if _you _did, then you really _are _an idiot, Shinji. And a jerk, if you're the one responsible for bringing _me_ here. The most idiotic, self-centered jerk that ever was. And the most sadistic, too."

"I – I didn't. I mean I didn't mean to –"

"Just go fuck yourself, Shinji," Asuka said, walking away from him. "Go masturbate, or something. I'm so hot you must be fricken horny – starting to suggest we make kids together. _Yekhh!_"

Shinji clenched and unclenched his hands. "Whatever." Shinji started walking away.

"Where are you going?" Asuka called. "You're not actually going to go _masturbate_, are you?"

"I'm going to find lunch," he said. "But you can go kill yourself, if that's what you want. That's the most _rational _thing to do now, isn't it?"

Shinji walked down the deserted streets. He kept listening for footsteps behind him, but apparently Asuka was fine letting Shinji walk away without her. Most buildings had no doors, only gaping openings with broken hinges. The concrete was cracked and uneven, all the windows were broken, and much of the furniture – especially chairs, and the desks with wheels – all seemed to have moved in a single direction – the direction _away _from NERV.

Shinji looked behind him, but did not see Asuka. Considering how long she had stayed with him, he was a little surprised Asuka hadn't decided to tag along behind him anyhow. Shinji began to worry about her. Maybe Asuka needed some distance right now. Shinji hoped they could find each other again – or that they might find _somebody. _He didn't want to be alone, and he didn't like the idea of Asuka being alone, though at the moment it would have been fine if they were not-alone with people other than each other. The only problem was that he couldn't be sure if anyone else existed.

Shinji trekked through the city, passing lines of abandoned cars that appeared to be wrecks. However, on some streets there were cars that seemed to have remained mostly intact but for shattered glass. He couldn't drive, and even though traffic laws obviously weren't being enforced at the moment, he wasn't sure if he had enough self-confidence to drive a vehicle that could possess any number of unknown defects. Also, he didn't like sitting on shattered glass.

Shinji decided to leave that as a possibility for another day. He found a convenience store, a treasure trove of uncontaminated, long-lasting food. Granted, Third Impact was rough, but apparently only rough enough to make a mess and cut off the power – most of the junk food was still where it had been, though jumbled around. Shinji decided that no one would hold it against him if he stole his meal from the shelves here.

The refrigerators had no power and he estimated that whatever was in there had most likely spoiled by now, if it was not on the verge of going bad. The obvious exceptions were the beer and the cola. He decided to test the orange juice, which was rather warm, but not bad yet. But without refrigeration, there was no way to preserve it after being subjected to the open air, so he drank the whole carton.

Walking outside, Shinji surveyed the street. He saw no one. Shinji walked to the corner and looked down at the sign. "New Ginza, 3-Chome." That couldn't be right – he was pretty sure that was the other side of town. Oh well – Shinji was sure he could find his way back to the convenience store. And there were probably other places with food, as well – at least, he hoped so, for Asuka's sake.

Shinji became more interested in looking for signs that something might be growing again, because if there was, then there was hope that he might find an indefinite food supply. But more than anything, he wanted a sign that an indefinite food supply was not going to be a concern. For the first few hours of walking, Shinji saw nothing to validate these hopes, but by the late afternoon, he sighted a splotch of green on the hillside.

* * *

Νηον Γενεσις Ευαγγηλιον

* * *

Shinji walked up the barren hillside. For a half-hour he walked, until he realized he couldn't be certain how he had gotten where he was, nor was he certain where he might be. The terrain looked different without vegetation and stained the color of blood. It was as though he were living on Mars.

Shinji tried to remember. He thought the splotch of green was on a hill between Tokyo-3 and the entrance to the Geo-front, on the slope facing the city. Shinji thought he saw a road not too far from it. Shinji couldn't remember. He would have thought it would be easy to find; the green should have stood out easily from the red. He wasn't colorblind.

Shinji wondered if Asuka would miss him. He felt that fear again, that he might lose her and be alone forever. He tried to move in the direction he had first come, but he wasn't certain which way that was. Shinji slipped on a ridge, and started falling into green.

He cowered over his scrapes, but was quickly distracted. Shinji had felt worse wounds before. More interesting was that he was surrounded by trees and grass. He was in the shade! He heard someone whistling. Shinji wondered if he was hallucinating. He wondered if everything he'd experienced until now was a hallucination. He stepped forward into a clearing, the sun heating him again.

Shinji saw an unshaven man in a ragged dark blue suit standing in the middle of a garden, sprinkling with a green garden pail bearing the cartoonish image of a sunflower. Overlooking the garden was the dead Tokyo-3.

"Kaji?" Shinji asked.

Kaji turned and smiled. "Looks like you're doing all right!"

"Boy, am I glad to see _you!_" Shinji rushed to Kaji's side. "And your melons are back, too, huh?"

"Yep," Kaji said. "I've always enjoyed large melons. The bigger they are, the better."

Shinji nodded as he stared at the garden. "Mm-hmm."

Kaji grinned at Shinji, whose expression was rather blank. Kaji shook his head in disappointment. "Apparently you didn't catch that double entendre."

"Oh." A small smile appeared on Shinji's face. "Yeah, I was just hoping that the melons were ripe, or would be soon. I mean…." Shinji still wasn't sure what was a hallucination and what wasn't.

"I understand," Kaji replied. "Don't worry. We won't let you starve."

"'We'?" Shinji asked.

"Everyone," Kaji said. "Everyone and no-one, really."

"Who else is here?"

"No-one," Kaji said. "Then again, it's not like the entire population of humanity just _disappeared – _or did we?"

"Don't play games, Kaji," Shinji said. "I'm wondering what you're doing here."

"Good question!" Kaji said, putting down the water jug. "I'd like to know that, myself. And I'm sure we'd _both _like to know what _you're _doing here, and what the difference is between us. But I can tell you that you're here morethan I am."

"More than you?"

"Yes."

"I don't get it."

"I don't either. And yet here I am. People often do things without understanding why."

Shinji rubbed his fists in his eyes. "How does that make sense?"

"It doesn't have to make sense to happen," Kaji said. "To happen, things just need to… _happen_. Sense-making is what humans do to gain control of the things that happen."

Shinji sat down in the grass. "I suppose I should believe that. After all, I was a part of the end of the world, and I have no idea how it happened or what's going on _now_. I wonder if I did the right thing in rejecting Instrumentality." Shinji looked up at Kaji. "That's what I did, right?"

Kaji took a deep breath and sat down next to Shinji. He stared at his feet and wrestled his thumbs, and when he was finished with that he looked up and said, "In a sense, it wasn't really Shinji Ikari who rejected Instrumentality – it was everyone. Instrumentality negated the individuality of every human being, including Shinji Ikari, so it wasn't just you that rejected Instrumentality so much as everyone at once. One might say it was inevitable that the 'perfect' being who would assimilate all souls into a unified, peaceful whole should eventually decay once again into individuals. But it was _not _inevitable – this path was chosen, not forced.

"Yet the choice itself is the same choice that was made in the past," Kaji continued, "and if the world is again unified into one mind, it is all too likely that same choice will be made again. This is because this apocalypse is actually a part of a greater life cycle. So long as living beings have the will to live, they will choose to continue their existence – and this choice has been made again and again by countless beings for untold millennia. But many have also chosen to die, or have been forced to die – and this also is an essential part of the process, for without death there would be no room for life."

Shinji asked, "Why? I mean – why is all _this _necessary? Why did everyone have to die?"

Kaji replied, "If humankind was really incapable of evolving further, then only this could open the path to a future evolution. Rebirth through death, creation through destruction – only by removing the old and decaying can there be room for the new. It's a hard truth that few in modern times have been willing to accept – that every birth must come with pain. I guess it's because of all the drugs in hospitals."

Kaji smiled but Shinji gave him a critical look. Kaji shrugged. "That last bit was a joke."

"Oh."

"But it had a serious point to it, too," Kaji said. "Technology has numbed us from pain, keeping us at a distance from what we destroy in our efforts to live and create. Because of this, some people deny that they have any part in the destruction and become hypocrites, demanding only painless creation."

Shinji eyed Kaji. "Did you rematerialize from nothing just so you could tell me weird, random, philosophical stuff?"

Kaji shrugged. "Pretty much."

"But this apocalypse didn't happen _naturally_, did it? It was something human beings decided."

"Humans are part of nature, aren't they?"

"I suppose."

Kaji stated, "While the old men of SEELE may have planned this apocalypse, the processes involved in it were not unnatural, in and of themselves. Billions of years ago, this world was populated by Lillith. The ultimate origins of Lillith and the angels is a matter of speculation. Perhaps a god-like being seeded them in the universe – then one wonders where this god is, and how the god came about. Perhaps the universe itself spawned them – then one wonders when and where it happened, and why. The story of the angels is the story of life in this universe."

"Why?" Shinji asked.

"Because the angels themselves are manifestations of what human beings _could have_ _been_. Instrumentality, while it technically failed, will now spur on the future development of humankind. Although SEELE had intended for all humanity to be united in a single super-being, apparently such beings simply lack the will to sustain themselves. Lillith spawned us once before and has spawned us again."

"This is… complicated." Shinji tried taking his eyes off the melons, but they were too tempting. He licked his lips. "So… people are going to start coming back, right?"

"Some will try," Kaji said. "You're here, after all, aren't you?"

"Yeah."

"Even though I died before Third Impact, I find it easy to manifest in the world at this time," he said. "But I am still just a ghost. It's thanks to lucky circumstances that I can appear here with such a good awareness of my surroundings. Remember, Shinji – when you're dead, you're dead. So live well."

"Okay," Shinji said. "But that still doesn't give me a sure food-source."

"The blood of Lillith, LCL, now intermixed with the bodies and souls of all humanity, has become an admixturerather similar to the sea-water of primordial earth," Kaji said. "It contains all the building blocks of life. Although I don't know if you'd care to drink it."

"No thanks," Shinji said. "I've _breathed_ the stuff – I know what it tastes like."

"On the other hand, if you want to survive, that _could _be your best bet."

"_No thank you,_" Shinji said. "I'll take my chances. Maybe if I'm desperate."

"Cheer up, Shinji," Kaji said. "Things aren't nearly so grim for you as they might seem."

Shinji said, "I just hope I don't end up stuck with nobody but Asuka."

"You never know," Kaji said. "The two of you might have to pair off like in the garden of Eden to repopulate the planet."

"I think Asuka says 'no.'"

* * *

Νηον Γενεσις Ευαγγηλιον

* * *

"I say '_no!_'"

Shinji shrugged. "Never know," he said. "We might find some more people soon. Maybe even enough to repopulate the planet."

It was dusk by the time Shinji came down from the hills. For a while, Shinji was worried that he might not find Asuka, but his worries were unjustified. During the daytime and in the middle of the city it would have been nigh impossible to locate her, but looking down from the high altitude into a city completely dark, after careful observation he was able to single out a solitary light. He headed directly in the direction of this light, and after half an hour of walking he was able to locate the apartment building – his apartment. Their apartment.

The most obvious place to look - if he had known it was still standing.

"Are you _kidding?_" Asuka yelled. "Humankind's _dead_. Don't get your hopes up; there aren't enough people left to bring humankind _back_. We'll be lucky enough to live more than a few years, given how the food is." Asuka seemed to be falling back into her depression, but her spirits were still high enough she could chew Shinji out.

"But what's the harm of hoping?" Shinji said as he sat on the couch, shoving aside random papers and bottles of beer. The apartment was a mess, just like everything else in post-apocalyptic Tokyo-3. Then again, the apartment was always a mess when Shinji was out for more than a day.

Asuka sneered. "If you raise your expectations beyond what you can possibly achieve, you'll just disappoint yourself. You have no right to hope for that much."

"I dunno. The return of humankind might not be that implausible."

"_How?_"

"Well, it's possible that this is really just a phase in a larger cyclical life-process –"

"_Bullshit!_ How did such New-Age _sheisse_ enter your head?"

"Um...."

"Are you just stupid, or what? Oh, wait – of course you are. I had forgotten that we had established that a long time ago." Asuka went into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator.

"I suppose," he said. "But actually – I got the idea from Kaji."

"Kaji?" Asuka repeated. "How?" Shinji heard a familiar popping noise.

"I talked with him… earlier. Sort of."

Asuka walked into the room, sipping a can of beer. Shinji stared at her, aghast. Then again – maybe it would improve her mood? No one was around to scold her. Then again, it was just possible that Misato might show up and…. Asuka asked, "What did _Kaji_ know about any of this?"

Shinji looked at his feet. "I must've been talking with his ghost, or something, because he's dead, apparently."

"You mean you talked with Kaji _after _you destroyed the world?"

"It was probably just a dream, or something." Come to think of it, Shinji couldn't remember the last time he'd slept.

"If it was a dream, don't blame your idiotic ideas on Kaji – it's all out of your _own_ brain, pathetic as it is." Asuka sat down in a chair next to Shinji.

"You're probably right."

Asuka shook her head. "_Verdamnt_." Asuka sipped on her beer. Even if she didn't place anything Shinji said in high regard at the moment, Asuka made no indication that she was tired of his company – yet.

Shinji decided to change the subject. "You eat anything today?"

"Yes," she said. "Most of our food is instant, after all. It's not like it would _spoil_."

"Oh," he said. "That hadn't occurred to me."

"Why? Did you steal your breakfast from some broken-down convenience store, or something?"

Shinji tried not to betray any emotion as he changed the subject a second time. "How did you get the lights working?"

Asuka grinned. "Don't worry, if the ghost of the storekeeper comes back to haunt you, I'll find some holy water and conduct an exorcism."

"Okay…. so, um –"

"Our apartment building has its own generator," she said. "I got it working again." She sipped her beer.

"How long do you think it'll hold out?"

Asuka shrugged. "I figure we've got enough diesel for it to last a while, especially if we conserve it. We could scavenge some to keep up the supply."

Shinji had dinner, and the power was shut off. They slept in their own beds that night, accompanied by a sudden, strange sense of normality. A minute or so after settling into bed, Shinji was so fascinated by this sense he even got up to see if he might see Misato's ghost that night – but she wasn't there. And yet everything still felt normal – as though Misato _wasn't _dead, but simply out drinking or working an extra shift. The apartment was dark and messy, but familiar – only if he looked outside into the dark, sleeping city could he feel the strangeness of an empty, post-apocalyptic world creeping about – but it was not here. Not in this apartment.

He sighed as he tromped back to his bed. "I'm home."


	2. Part 2

(I do not own the _Evangelion _franchise.)

* * *

Νηον Γενεσις Ευαγγηλιον:

Post-Apocalypse

**Part II**

"So where is this place you say you saw Kaji?" Asuka asked. It was almost noon, and they were up in the hills. Since the time on the beach, Asuka had never mentioned her identity confusion again, even though her good eye was still brown. Shinji guessed that the most disorienting moment must have been right after her resurrection, though Shinji wondered if his own presence and tendency to refer to her as "Asuka" and treat her as Asuka may have had a part in grounding her identity.

"He was at his old garden," Shinji replied as he paused to scan for the green splotch on the hillside.

"Kaji was _gardening_?"

"Yeah," Shinji said. "In his melon garden."

Asuka scrunched her face skeptically. "I don't recollect Kaji ever mentioning a garden. Must not have been a big deal to him." Shinji wondered if there was a little of Misato's pout in that expression, but Shinji refrained from mentioning things like that. Shinji wondered why _he _didn't have the same identity problems Asuka had. Did it have something to do with his role in the apocalypse?

"Actually -"

"Or you hallucinated the whole thing."

"... I suppose that's possible, too," Shinji said. "You know, if you don't believe me, you didn't have to come with me."

"Hey, Kaji is a _real _man, unlike you. If _you_ can survive Third Impact, then why shouldn't Kaji?"

"Well - did he even live to _see _Third Impact?"

"What are you talking about? If he'd died _beforehand_, don't you think we'd have been informed? Don't you think there would have been a funeral? And if he died the day it happened - like _I _did - do you think that would have mattered?"

"... I guess so," Shinji said. "Come to think of it... I didn't know for sure he'd died until he told me so. I can't believe I took it so casually."

Asuka sighed. "You know, you're making it difficult to believe you, and I really _would _like to believe you saw Kaji, for reals. Because if you did, then maybe he really _would _know what the deal is with Third Impact, and what will happen next, and he can help us make it through all this crap. Plus, I'd have a _real_ man to deflower me."

"I thought you said -"

"I said I didn't want kids, not that I didn't want a good orgasm. You can do one without making the other; prophylactics and birth control have made it possible."

"Ah... Right."

"Welcome to the twenty-first century, Shinji," Asuka said. "Or the twentieth; you've probably only made it that far - playing your music on a tape recorder." Asuka paused a moment, tilting her head slightly. "What's that noise?"

Shinji listened intently. "... I don't know."

There was a strange, unidentifiable noise, somewhere in the distance. They couldn't make out what kind of noise it was, whether it was made by machinery or the work of the wilderness. It was not a noise that sounded like something common - the noise didn't give them the feeling that they _ought _to have been able to place it, as though it were really an everyday sound, something they should have known - no, this was definitely an unusual noise. But it was not exactly a sound they would have called "alien," either (or at least, they wouldn't have _wanted_ to call it that. Aliens were freaky; they already had the apocalypse to worry about, they didn't need extra-terrestrials, too). The noise was probably loud at its point of origin, but the origin seemed far away, somewhere over the hills where they could not see.

"That's weird," Asuka said.

"Yeah."

"I think I'm done roaming in the hills, now."

"Because of the noise?"

"I don't know what that noise is," Asuka said. "Whatever it is, I don't know if I can do anything about it if it comes and it isn't friendly. I just don't feel like being up here."

Shinji and Asuka returned to the city, and when they reached pavement they parted ways, Asuka heading for the apartment and Shinji touring about town.

Tokyo-3 looked different devastated by an apocalypse. After an hour Shinji was beginning to find the general theme of mass destruction a little tiring. It occurred to him that, now that Third Impact was over and the Angels were all gone, Tokyo-3 would probably not suffer any major damage again - at least not in an incident that had anything to do with him. He allowed himself the thought that maybe people would return and rebuild the city, that he could be a part of rebuilding it, and then he could truly say it was _his _city.

Actually, Shinji had long thought of Tokyo-3 as his home, but often he felt a little guilt in doing so. He reminded himself that he fought to protect it, and that if he did not the city would cease to exist altogether. Yet ever since the first Angel, when Toji had punched Shinji for injuring his sister, Shinji knew that his battles taken their toll on the city and its people, even with all the precautions in place. Sometimes walking home from school Shinji would notice another building that had collapsed, another tree smashed flat or snapped in two.

Somehow, Tokyo-3 post-Third Impact did not have proportionally the same effect as the past times when Shinji passed a lone symbol of his failure to protect a part of the city, but even so, Shinji felt no so much guilty as afraid the city might be abandoned. Shinji feared that this destruction would be the final blow to his home.

But if it wasn't, he wanted to stay here. He wondered how possible that might be. For that matter, would there be anyone to stand in his way?

Shinji began exploring the inside of one of the buildings. One of the rear corners of the building was missing a wall. The floor was strewn with broken furniture and broken plaster coated with dust and LCL. Shinji saw the figure of a bearded man dressed in a dark suit stepping out of the shadows to stand in front of two beams coincidentally coinciding to form a cross. His white glove raised to adjust his tinted glasses.

"Father…."

"Hello, Shinji," Gendo said.

"So," Shinji said, "Do you have anything to say to me?"

"And how did you reach the conclusion I have anything to say to you?"

"Are you really here?" Shinji asked. "Or are you an illusion? If you're the ghost of my father… ghosts don't appear to the living unless they have unfinished business."

"And what would you have me say?" Gendo asked.

"Father," Shinji said, "could we talk about _why _this happened? As in… why did Third Impact happen?"

"It is a complicated answer," Gendo said. "The course of human affairs always plays out as the result of the interaction of the many different intentions of many different people. Even people who seem to hold the same intentions may hold to those intentions for different reasons. Certainly you have your own perspective on what occurred in Third Impact - a central role, one of the finest seats in the house - and you ask _me _why it all happened."

"I doubt you have a right to play innocent."

"… No, I don't."

* * *

Νηον Γενεσις Ευαγγηλιον

* * *

Shinji went home after the talk with his father. Asuka was drinking beer again, this time lying on the floor, kicking her heels into the air while reading a battered magazine. Shinji needed to do something, so he cleaned the apartment, sweeping up the broken glass near the balcony, putting the furniture back in order with minor rearranging, throwing out broken dishes, and a few other chores that Third Impact had made for him - not to mention the chores he would have needed to do regardless.

Somehow, Shinji finished within a few hours and he found he still had not managed to clear his head. Shinji made Asuka and himself dinner, taking his time and using more complex recipes than he usually did. Asuka seemed pleased but didn't say much. Shinji was fine with this, since he was reluctant to discuss his encounter with his father with Asuka. Asuka would probably have belittled him about the talk even if she _didn't_ believe he had hallucinated it all.

Shinji wondered if Asuka thought he was putting the moves on her with a fancy dinner, since Shinji hadn't given Asuka any reason to suspect he had stopped hoping for the continuation of the species. It didn't matter; Asuka could think what she wanted. And Shinji _did _still hope for the continuation of the species, with or without Asuka.

After dinner, Shinji took a walk. He gazed up at the hillside now illuminated with the golden-hued light of the evening sun, and Shinji saw the green spot where Kaji's garden was, exactly where it had been before. Shinji wondered how he couldn't have seen it that morning with Asuka. Shinji kept his eyes firmly locked on his destination and trekked back to the garden, where Kaji was once again watering his melons.

"Asuka and I were looking for you earlier, but I couldn't find you."

"Yeah," Kaji said. "I'll talk to her before I go, but I don't have complete control over when and where I can appear to you guys. I can only reveal myself to one person at a time."

"Why?" Shinji asked.

"I don't know, but that's what the rules would appear to be."

"What rules?"

"Perhaps I shouldn't say I'm following 'rules,' but that I'm figuring out my capacity to manifest," Kaji said. "I don't necessarily understand my own presence and powers as a ghost - if it would be proper to call me a ghost. Consider – do you need to know how your intestines work to know that you need to eat? Can't women get pregnant easily enough without a thorough understanding of their ovaries?

"Don't fool yourself into thinking that anyone ever really understood Third Impact," Kaji said, changing the subject without warning. "The masterminds of Instrumentality themselves based many of their hopes on their interpretation of a selection of the Dead Sea Scrolls – scrolls that were enigmatic and metaphorical at best – texts that were hardly 'scientific' in their exposition. Yet this pattern of life in death, destruction and rebirth in one – this has happened before and will again, part of an endless cycle since the beginning of time – if there ever was a beginning."

"But wasn't there?" Shinji asked. "Wasn't there a Big Bang, and everything?"

"The Big Bang is _one _scientific theory," Kaji replied. "Perhaps there was something like it – and perhaps it wasn't really the beginning. Perhaps time moves in a circle, and the Big Bang is really just a stage of rebirth for our universe. Human knowledge will always be finite, and mystery infinite."

"I met my father," Shinji said. "He explained some of what happened, saying that he was working with a group called SEELE. He made it sound like for a while it had pushed him into going along with their plans for Instrumentality, until he finally managed to control NERV, which he tried to use to bring mother back."

"It sounds similar to the truth," Kaji said. "Though even well before NERV, when he himself was only a puppet, he had a way of pulling his strings to move the puppeteer. Not that I want to sow any more distrust between you and your father."

"There's good in him," Shinji said. "I've felt it."

"You have no choice," Kaji said. "You must face Gendo Ikari again."

"Don't humans always have a choice?" Shinji asked.

"I mean, you have no other choice if you want your father to turn into a father."

"I can only give him an opportunity," Shinji said. "He just needs to see it and be willing to take it."

"True. And you must always keep trying to understand him, as well," Kaji said, then eyed Shinji with concern. "You're eating all right, aren't you?"

"Yeah," Shinji said. "The problem now is morale. You know, when we came here looking for you, Asuka and I heard a sound."

"A sound?"

"Yeah," Shinji said. "A weird sound. It sounded loud and far away."

"Well," Kaji said, "I'm sure if you ever find out what the sound is, it'll be interesting."

"How do you know?"

"Because I'm a man who lives for discovering secrets. I love a good mystery. Take Misato as an example."

"I'm not sure how to investigate this mystery, though," Shinji said. "And I'd like to know if it's safe or not before I find out."

"Everything's dangerous," Kaji said. "But you shouldn't live in fear of mystery - even if it kills you in the end. I'm speaking as one who has experience, you see."

"So how did you die?"

"Gunshot."

Shinji was surprised. "Really? When?"

"A few weeks before the apocalypse," Kaji replied casually.

"Was it when Misato started crying?"

Kaji's tone dropped in playfulness. "Probably."

"I should have done something for her," Shinji said. "But I didn't know what to do. I'm still just a kid."

"You've felt loss, haven't you Shinji?" Kaji asked.

"Ah... yes.…"

"Then you are experienced enough to comfort those who have lost."

"I guess so," Shinji said. "Then I'm just weak."

"You are only weak because you tell yourself that you are weak," Kaji said. "If you want to become something more, you shouldn't tell yourself you are incapable of becoming more. If you want to change, you must believe yourself capable of change. The next time you meet Misato... actually... tell her I said 'move on.'"

"I'm going to meet Misato? Even though she's dead? Is she a ghost, too?"

"Maybe," Kaji said. "Did you really think a woman with such a strong will to live wouldn't be able to at least pay you a visit?"

"I dunno." Shinji said. "She might have loved life and all that, but would she care enough to see me?"

"Hey! She cared for you more than I do, and this is our _second_ talk since the apocalypse."

"... I guess you're right again."

"Remember," Kaji said. "Tell Misato I said 'move on.'"

"You mean, if she's a ghost you want her to move on to the other side?"

"No. Well... that would probably be a good thing, too, I suppose, but I have a feeling she isn't a ghost. The last thing I'd want is for a woman who loved me to spend the rest of her life mourning for me. And... she shouldn't just move on from me, really. I shouldn't give you the details, though. It's private things. Misato will tell you if she believes you have a privilege to know. I think she'll understand what I mean, though. It's something important to learn, Shinji - knowing how to move on. It's difficult, even for adults. Perhaps especially for adults."

"Kaji," Shinji said. "I feel like I've spoken with you too rarely, because you seem to always have something valuable to say to me. You've given me a lot to think about – thoughts that will probably help me for years to come. I want to say… thank you. You've been a real… mentor, I think is the word. You're a mentor to me." Or the closest thing to a father figure.

"I'm honored to hear that, Shinji," Kaji replied. "And I'm glad I've been so helpful to you."

* * *

Νηον Γενεσις Ευαγγηλιον

* * *

The next morning was cool and smelled like a bloody spring. For the past few days, the atmosphere had smelled so intensely of blood Shinji had forgotten it, but now there was a new scent mixed into the air, something fresh and damp and green, like dew-drenched vegetation. But looking around out the window, he saw the same bare hills and shattered city.

Shinji made rice and eggs for breakfast. Asuka didn't venture out of her bedroom until he had finished cooking. After breakfast, Shinji cleaned up and Asuka took a shower. After breakfast, they spent an hour laying about, immersed in periodicals and music because the TV wasn't on and they didn't feel like talking to each other.

At some point Asuka must have left the room and gone outdoors, because she tapped Shinji on the shoulder to tell him in a quiet voice "the noise is outside." Shinji looked up at Asuka, who gripped his shoulder pleadingly, her face revealing more fear than she probably knew. Shinji stood up and went out the front door with her to listen.

The unfamiliar noise was indeed audible once again, this time from the apartment. Shinji and Asuka looked around for a source, and at first none was obvious. He could tell the sound was like moving earth. Then, sheltering his eyes from the sunlight Shinji looked up on the hill and saw green pop into view. All along the hillside, trees plunged up from the ground. Over the course of a few minutes, the entire Tokyo-3 hillside became covered in green, and as the trees burst up from the ground faster the sound grew deafening, the sound of life returning to the world.

"This is so amazing!" Shinji cried. "This is the sort of thing you tell your grandkids about."

"I'm not having any kids," Asuka hissed, and smacked Shinji alongside the head.

* * *

Νηον Γενεσις Ευαγγηλιον

* * *

Shinji returned to the decimated building in the afternoon and the evening, but did not find his father. The next day, Shinji explored the city once again, traveling away from the city along one of the country roads. His feet carried him, and he did not bother thinking where or why, he only watched the barren scenery pass him by. As though out of nowhere he saw a sign for the cemetery where his mother was memorialized, and Shinji knew he must go there.

Shinji walked the path until he came to the cemetery, and when he entered the cemetery he found it appeared much as he had last seen it. No Evas had disturbed this holy ground in any of the battles since, nor had even the apocalypse forced a tombstone out of place.

Shinji saw his father among the tall, dark stones, almost mistaking him for one of them. Gendo was still as a stone; not even his clothing rustled in the wind. Shinji was not surprised that the tombstone he stood before was Yui's.

"We meet again, father."

"Indeed."

"Your soul still isn't at rest?"

"I have much to atone for."

"Such as abandoning your only son."

"What would you have me do?" Gendo asked. "Apologize?"

Shinji did not honor that with a response.

"Very well, then," Gendo said. "I'm sorry."

Shinji was stunned. "Is that… do you really mean it?"

"All I can do is offer you words," Gendo said. "Apologies are meaningless without repentance, and repentance means a change in action. My time here is limited. No longer capable of living, I can only speak to you for this one moment, therefore true repentance is impossible."

Shinji said, "No one else can be my father. While you're still here, be my father!"

Gendo's response was unexpectedly emotional - touched. "Shinji…."

"Is mother here?" Shinji asked. "Can she appear, too?"

"No," Gendo said. "She is sleeping for eternity in the Eva. Instrumentality took care of that. Had it been my way… it would have been otherwise."

"What was she like?" Shinji asked.

"You mean you don't remember? Not even a hint from Instrumentality?"

"Just talk to me about her."

"She was… the only person who loved me," Gendo said. "And the meaning of my existence. Unfortunately, I failed her. I forgot her dream in my hopes of resurrecting her, and in the process hurt you. It seems that no matter what I did I hurt you. I would have given you back your mother. It would have been the greatest present a father had ever given his son, but even so, I did it only for my sake, not for yours." Gendo flickered. "I'm sorry, Shinji…."

Gendo's hair and clothes suddenly began to ripple, as though just now realizing there was a wind. Indeed, the wind effected them more than they should have been effected. Shinji began to hear a roar, and Gendo turned away and climbed into the very vehicle Shinji saw him leave in the last time they had met in this graveyard. When Gendo had boarded, the vehicle lifted into the air, and as it began to leave it began to fade, the roar of the engines fading with it, until it vanished into non-existence.

Shinji stood in an empty graveyard, his hands clenched into fists, a tear rolling down his cheek. Shinji did not make it back to the apartment until nightfall.

* * *

Νηον Γενεσις Ευαγγηλιον

* * *

For the next two days, Shinji stayed in the apartment, musing to himself and keeping house. Asuka continued to drain the beer reserves. At noon, now nearly a week since the apocalypse, Shinji heard a knock at the apartment door, and he answered it.

"… Misato?" Shinji inquired. The woman at the door had red eyes.

"Uh… hi, Shinji." Rei's eyes, but Misato's face, Misato's hair, Misato's voice.

The first thing that came to mind was the unanticipated, unromantic, adult kiss. And as traditional Japanese etiquette demanded, it would be proper of him to mention something of their last meeting. "Um… we don't… need to do the rest." There was more to it than an awkward teenage shyness, or that Shinji had never felt comfortable with Misato's sexuality. Shinji's craving to merge his body with someone else's seemed less urgent since Third Impact.

"Oh… good," Misato said. "I mean… I'm sorry I did that to you. Being your guardian, I should have done something more proper to the role." The words sounded so hollow, even though she meant every one of them. The mere fact she was sincere seemed not enough to atone for the erotic tensions she had introduced into their relationship. Misato was the closest Shinji had to a family, but she wasn't meant to be his _wife_.

Shinji blushed and decided to change the subject. "So are you a ghost, too?"

"A ghost? Whah? No, I'm really here."

"Really? How long have you been alive?"

"About a week, now," Misato said. "Are you going to let me in?"

"Huh? Oh yeah!" Shinji stepped back from the entryway and let Misato into her apartment. They walked together to the living room. Misato threw herself onto the couch and Shinji sat in the chair next to her, like a patient and her psychoanalyst.

Misato sighed, and her whole body seemed to melt into the sofa. "Over the week, I've been working with all the resurrected people of NERV to contain and destroy the enemy as they reincarnated. We came back quicker largely because everyone in NERV had died in a more desperate situation, so we had a more urgent will to live. That's the theory, anyway. Despite our fewer numbers we were able to confiscate most of the weaponry and equipment the invaders were using before they came back. We worked around the clock to defeat the enemy force, and we dared not organize an evacuation of NERV until we were confident most if not all of the enemy had been annihilated or had surrendered."

"I see."

"Still, most everyone is planning to flee the country," Misato said. "When the Japanese authorities reorganize they will probably come after everyone from NERV, especially the higher-ups."

"Oh," Shinji said. "That's too bad." He wasn't sure what else to say.

"Of course, I had no idea what SEELE and the Commander were doing until the last few days, and even then I was trying to figure out a way to oppose the Instrumentality Project. I can only hope they try arresting me rather than killing me, and give me a fair trial, though even then I doubt my chances. Still, I'm a Japanese, and fleeing my own country doesn't seem right. I have always acted with the best interests of my homeland at heart."

"I support you, Misato," Shinji said. "You can stay here with us until they come for you."

"Well, yes," Misato said. "It _is _my apartment, after all." A thought occurred to Misato, and she said, "Shinji, would you be a dear and get me a beer?"

"'Be a dear'?"

"Yes."

"Okay, Misato." Shinji ferried the beverage from the fridge to his failed guardian, who then proceeded to forget all the woes of the apocalypse, drowning them out with a beverage of fermented grain.

An hour later, Asuka entered the apartment, her face ashen. "Walking through the park, I did a double take at one of the benches. I actually saw… _Kaji_. Kaji was sitting there." Asuka put an arm to her face to hide the forming tears. "He's… really dead," her voice quivered. "He faded away in front of my eyes."

"What did he say?" Shinji asked.

"That's none of your business!" Asuka snapped.

"Okay." Apparently Kaji must have told her she was still a kid and should get over him, or something.

Misato appeared troubled for a moment, but she said nothing. Instead, Misato got up from her seat, went into the kitchen, and looked in the refrigerator. "What happened to all my beer? There's only five cans of a six-pack left!"

"Misato!" Asuka moaned. "I'm grieving here!"

"Now I am, too!"

"Um… not everything survived Third Impact," Shinji said. He didn't need to cover for Asuka. When he arrived back home, he threw away some of the beer as part of the process of cleaning the refrigerator. Still, if Asuka ever gave him a good reason, he would have blackmail.

"Ah, well," Misato sighed. "I was due for another beer run, anyway." Another factor in the paucity of available alcohol. "I guess I'll have to go to the store and get some."

"None of the stores are open," Shinji said. "Nobody's in town."

"Oh, there's a few people," Asuka said. "But Shinji's right, I bet they've got other things on their minds than selling beer."

"If they won't sell, then we'll barter," Misato said. "Asuka, let me borrow your yaoi doujinshi."

"No! Barter your own porn!"

So Misato had to rummage through her own periodicals for those she was most willing to sacrifice, and within the half-hour Misato, Shinji, and Asuka were strolling about town on a beer run. Somehow, Asuka's loss and the odd tension that Misato had brought with her return was hidden in the periphery of the moment, just as the crumbling buildings looming around them were at the periphery of consciousness. Shinji could almost convince himself that nothing had changed, not in Tokyo-3 and not in his relationship to Misato.

Shinji realized what he was ignoring, and stopped smiling. But after taking note of it, Shinji realized he had made another kind of mistake, and allowed himself to get caught back up in the moment.

On the way to the store, they saw a young man striding through the middle of the street, his clothes tattered and dusty, his gaze obscured by the glint of glasses. Upon seeing the three roommates, he paused, and then began to jog towards them.

"Shinji!" Kensuke called. "You're alive! And you've brought women!"

Kensuke collided with Shinji, glomping him.

"Woah, woah there," Shinji said, laughing. "For a moment I thought you were excited about the _women._"

"You _bet _I am!" Kensuke said, looking at Misato.

"Down, boy," Asuka said.

"So what're you doing here?" Shinji asked.

"I have no fucking clue!" Kensuke said. "I've just been wandering around alone for all this time."

Kensuke guided them to a local liquor store where he remembered buying good alcohol as someone else who was old enough to buy liquor. The owner was there, and Misato was able to trade two thousand yen and a stack of hentai for the amount of beer she wanted. With a sigh and an "I'll miss you, Kenta," Misato gathered together two precious twenty-four-packs and returned home with Asuka, Shinji, and Kensuke all jabbering away and catching up on their lives since the apocalypse.

A few hours after arriving home, Kensuke announced he would gladly spend the night. He whispered confidentially to Shinji, "After the apocalypse, among my mish-mash of misplaced memories, I got special intelligence on the enemy." The enemy meaning Asuka. "Intelligence concerning naughty experimentation with a certain class rep."

Shinji shook his head in disbelief. "Asuka and Hikari wouldn't do _that, _would they?"

"Practice kissing boys with each other? Why not?"

Somehow, Shinji was disappointed that what Kensuke had meant was less perverted than what he imagined Kensuke had meant.

Asuka threw a pillow at Kensuke's head. "What are you two idiots talking about?"

"Nothing!" they replied.

After dinner, as the sky was turning orange and red and the sun rested on the horizon, Shinji stood on the balcony, looking out over his city. Shinji was startled by the feeling of something warm and gentle on his back. Misato withdrew her hand and blushed. "S-sorry," she said.

"What were you trying to do?" Shinji asked.

"Stroke your back," Misato said. "Er... I guess it sounds weird when I say it. I didn't mean…." Misato couldn't say she didn't mean anything by it - that would have been wrong. It just wasn't supposed to have been a big deal. "I didn't mean to be intrusive."

"Why... stroke my back?"

"Ah, yeah…" Misato paused for a moment to wonder over her intentions. "Um... when I was little my mom used to do that. When we were sitting next to each other on a train or the bus. It was just an absent-minded mom-thing, I guess. I wasn't thinking about what I was doing."

"You're not my mom."

Misato would never have felt comfortable calling herself "Shinji's mother" and had already failed in significant ways to replace her. Yet Shinji's statement did nothing but build upon the barrier already between them. "I know," Misato said. "I didn't say I was."

There was silence for a moment as they watched each other. Because there was silence, the barrier simply stood where it was, obvious and no closer to breaking. If they continued standing there, staring at each other, the situation would become worse, not better. They could both sense this.

"I'll... go clean the laundry," Misato said, even though it was Shinji's turn to do the laundry again, and she turned and opened the balcony screen.

"Misato -"

Misato turned. "Yes, Shinji?"

Shinji didn't like the barrier, either. "I'll try not to react like that next time."

"It's not a big deal."

"That's why."

Misato smiled faintly. But because the laundry actually needed doing, she turned and re-entered the apartment, sliding the screen shut behind her. Of course, later Misato would start the laundry, become distracted, and forget completely what she had begun, and Shinji would be the one to do it anyway. But it didn't matter; this was how it always was.

"I see, Kaji," Shinji said. "The infinite mystery includes people. I can only have a limited understanding others or myself, but I can't be afraid of the mystery, either."

Shinji turned to look out over his city, Tokyo-3. As the sky darkened, lights began to shine from windows throughout the city. He heard the rumbling of automobile engines and the clopping of footsteps, and felt the world return to life.

FIN


End file.
